My Notes from Education Week

Education Week 2008

Thursday

Doug Brennly “After the Nice Wedding and Reception-What Happens?”


Gems of Wisdom: Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
The older you get, the better you realize you were
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkey and apes
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose

Marital Roles
1. Spouse-being married, not same as a dating partner
2. Kinship-a son or daughter in law
3. Sexual-first time ever,
4. Parent
5. Housekeeper
6. Therapist
7. Providers
8. Recreation
9. Religious
Nine roles
Where do you learn to do these roles?
We acquire ideas our whole life, and have expectations, for you and for him.
Role Discrepancies-the difference between expectations (normal behavior) and actual role performance.

Charles Beckert:
“A major cause of marital unhappiness is the unwillingness and /or inability of one partner in a marriage relations to behave in the manner that is expected by the spouse.” Expectations!

Where do you learn to be a wife? From your husband, and vise versa.
*Must be humble to learn.
Expectations change when we fall in love, and while you communicate.
*Happily married people know what their spouses want, and they do that for them (serve) and then they keep reciprocating.
**Compromise in the direction of the core belief: go with the one that cares the most about it.
**Avoid trouble areas, like me driving him J
**When he gets close to how you want it done, you praise! Shaping, not nagging. It’s a best way to teach them how to be the spouse they should be.
**Communcate “Honey I need your help…)

**I think this is why newlyweds struggle, because we just stepped into 9 new roles that we have some preconceived idea of how it’s supposed to be. It’s not necessarily that we did something wrong, it’s just the situation and what your willing to learn and talk about. I’m very happy with the way we have figured things out, and how we can keep going.


Friday
Doug Brenley (doug_brenley@byu.edu)
Intimacy

5 Approaches to Sexuality
1. Sex is ungodly; anti-spiritual
2. Hedonism-pleasure for pleasure’s sake; indiscriminate mating; pornography; Hefner Playboy style
3. Permissiveness with affection (like in the movies)
4. situational ethics-depends on how sexual behavior affects the relationship. Can’t dispense “thou shalt not; from Sinai
5. **Sacred; for married couples only, marital sacrament *a renewing of the vows and covenants!


Purposes:
1. As a profound expression of love, a renewal of the marriage covenant; a sacrament **Procreation of eternal families. It is faith an confident in understand of one another. Total partnership, unselfishness, cleanliness, faith in the plan, it never tires or wanes, (Faith Precedes the Miracle, Kimball)
2. To bring emotional closeness, Pratt: those affections are planted by the Spirit. “there is not a more pure and holy principle in existence than the affection which glows in the bosom of a virtuous man for his companion.”
3. To have kids, to fulfill commandments.
4. To provide physical and emotional pleasure to each other-a therapeutic dimension of marriage. Should be a release.

Communication
1. Willing to communicate
2. Frequent monitoring by each spouse
3. Provide gentle and clear instruction to each other.
4. Kind instructors and eager students.
5. The non-sexual areas affect directly intimacy
6. Intimacy is a barometer of your whole marriage because it’s good when everything else is good. Barometer to the whole marriage.
7. Men oragism are more predictable, women enjoy more romance.
8. Men need to be aware of all the other factors in our head! All the worries
9. There are no perfomance standards. Your spouse is your teacher on how to be a lover.

Some Suggestions
1. Vocabulary so you can talk
2. Discover what pleases you

Where’s the Line
1. She can’t be used as women are in any sort of media . 13% of woman have moved into pornography.


Merrilee Boyack: Wipe Out Your Worries and Win Peace

Worry Transference: story with their teenage son
Worry: Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, it empties today of its strength.
*Worry vs. Concern: worry weighs and is oppressive on your mind
*Is some amount good? Ya.
Why do we worry? Because we can’t control everything, even your internal feelings either.
*When is it not good? The paralyzing kind. It comes from a “diminished sense of power.” TOXIC worry.
*What do we worry about?
-spouse’s happiness
-where to live and raise kids
-money
-being a good wife
-health, loosing weight
-The unexpected: terrorists, baby’s health, miscarriages, will they like me
-Future: will they all stay faithful? Will I?
-Making mistakes: saying the wrong thing, not teaching well enough.
-Danger
**Worry clogs the arteries of living, add blood thinners, the “P” factors.
The “P” Factors
1. Problem Ownership: NOT MY PROBLEM or NMP
a. 2 Ne 10:23 and Hel 14: 30-31, your free to act yourself, and from other peoples mistakes
b. Bummer! Difference between supporting and taking responsibility. One response helps the other person fix his own problems. The other TAKES OVER the fixing problem. Shift the responsibility to where it belongs. It’s not always yours. It actually hinders their responsibility and coping skills.
c. Ask yourself: Can they fix this? Asses their ability to solve their own problems as well
d. Have Faith they can do it!! If we constantly bail them out, we are handicapping them! Don’t fix, SUPPORT.
e. Balance Charity and Independence. “You can’t handle this so I have to fix it for you”, vs “I have faith in you that you can solve this!”
f. Poem **GOOGLE Letting GO,

LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,_ it means I can't do it for someone else._
To let go is not to cut myself off,_ it's the realization I can't control another._
To let go is not to enable,_ but allow learning from natural consequences._
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means_ the outcome is not in my hands._
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, _ it's to make the most of myself._
To let go is not to care for,_ but to care about._
To let go is not to fix,_ but to be supportive._
To let go is not to judge,_ but to allow another to be a human being._
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,_ but to allow others to affect their destinies._
To let go is not to be protective,_ it's to permit another to face reality._
To let go is not to deny,_ but to accept._
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,_ but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them._
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,_ but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it._
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,_ but to try to become what I dream I can be._
To let go is not to regret the past,_ but to grow and live for the future.__
To let go is to fear less and love more_ Remember: The time to love is short.

2. Perspective: NO BIGGIE
a. Elder Scott: Don’t let good things crowd out that which is essential.
b. Some things need doing better than they’ve ever been done before. Some just need doing. Others don’t need doing at all. Know which is which.
c. Ask, “Will I remember this one year from now? Think about Africa for just a second, and remember what you have. Perspective!

3. Patience: Hang Loose
a. Mosiah 4:27-it’s not required you run faster than you have strength.
b. D&C 67:13-
c. D&C 121: 41- by long suffering.

4. Peace: OH WELL
a. Matt 11:28-29
b. John 14: 27
c. **Give the Burden of our worries to the Lord. And DON”T TAKE THEM BACK!!!



S. Dee Barrett: Powerful Messages Sent Through Unspoken Words: Non-verbal Communication

Non Verbal is about 65% of communication.
What does it communicate: Attitude
*NV can bring us closer or farther apart. You can be a better communicator, speaker and listener.
Alma 5: 14, three questions, all asking the same thing, but in three different ways.

NV radiates what is in our heart. 3 Nephi 12: 27-30
-batle it out in your head-it’s easier to do ther than your heart.
-If you think or feel it, you are Saying It!
-As you immerse yourself in the Book of Mormon, you radiate Christ, his image is what you feel and radiate.
-Alma 31:5 The word is the strongest

3 Skills To Send Positive Messages

1. Eye Contact: look in eyes, and if you have an agenda (meaning you want to see something in another person) you’ll find it by taking their NV the way you want.

2. Body Spacing: big body spaced people have to be sure not to send the “disinterested” vibe or message, and close talkers need to be nice and aware of other peoples comfort.

3. Touch: be sensitive to those who are not touchy

**Remember, you are communicating what’s in your heart.


Doug Brenly “What Really Happy Couples Actually Do” **ONE OF MY FAVORITES

*Don’t comment on every little thing.
*Don’t be afraid to express deep emotion.

**Miserable couples do what miserable people do-happily married couples do what makes them happy.
*Find “yakking” time
*Prayer is a window into your spouses heart
*Wouldn’t hurt to, as you put your garments on, to think of the covenants you made.
****Pray morning and night together. (This was one of the biggest things he talked about)
-once you stop that habit, it’s so hard to start again, but you still need to do it.

Questions To Ask Yourselves
1. Are you two kneeling in prayer 2x daily?
2. Do you attend the temple together often?
3. Do you read the scriptures together?
4. Is your intimacy good?
5. Do you have Family Home Evening with the Father at the lead?
The Above is What Happy Couples Do!

*One challenge that I’m going to do is *memorize my husbands patriarchal blessing
*President Hinckley
“A happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it is an anxious concern for the comfort and well being of your spouse.”
*The outcome of following this council is the elimination of selfishness, pride and apathy.

-Proclamation on the Family: faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, wholesome recreational activities.

6 More Things Happy Couples Do:

1. Enjoy Talking Together
2. Non-Sexual Touch
3. Mutually Theraputic (Each other’s therapist)
4. Date Frequently
5. Great Intimacy
6. Time with kids

***I REALLY ENJOYED THIS CLASS. ONE OF THE BEST!!!



Merrillee Boyack: Eliminate the Three C’s: Comparing, Conforming, Competing

Comparing:

CS Lewis: ” We say that people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, or cleverer, or better-looking than others. Nearly all those evils which people put down to greed or selfishness are really far more the result of pride.
-Human nature to compare, to make choices all the time.
-The comparison is always faulty because we never know the truth of someone’s life, you cannot see their burdens
-Cannot see their gifts, skills or opportunities. **No duh, your different! We can only compare to FACADES! Always apples and oranges.
-It’s never fair, and it’s never equal
-Sheri Dew: in No Doubt About It, Satan delights when we gossip …) So good. Pg 224-225
“Compare yourself to Gods Standards, Your value to Him is independent of your body mass index.” (Merrill Christensen, BYU Devotional 7/31/07)
-they are the only ones that know us and can judge us! He’s the only one we need to impress!
-Matt 20
-The ROOT TO COMPARING IS PRIDE!!!!
-Element of competition is gone, so is pride.
-D&C 58:39 +

Conforming
*Talents may not be shared when we conform to what we think others expect.
*How do we conform?
-Actions, Attitudes, Dress, Possessions, Goals, Self-perception
*We SHOULD conform to the gospel, these actually further us along in recognizing and achieving our uniqueness.

Competing
What competition are you in?
Why? WE ARE NOT IN A RACE!
Compete with yourself, are you doing your best? Compete with our own potential which is limitless

Reduce all Three

1. Look at ourselves with truth, Gifts, talents skills, strengths. Only look at yourself with HIS mirror.
2. Choose to be humble, lift others above yourself
3. Look at others with charity. Think instead “They are doing the best they can.”
a. If you knew their story, you’d understand
b. Look with Christ’s eyes, other saw fisherman, he saw men of God,
i. They were worth the sacrifice of the Savior too.
4. Remember who we really are
a. Remember our destiny, who you really are. See what heaven sees in you.

Once we are free from COMPARING< CONFORMNG< AND COMPETING, we are free to pursue our unique mission in life. “We can do it!” We are free to truly keep our covenants, mourn with those that mourn.